Ever since I became a mother, I have constantly struggled between focusing on my PhD and caring for my children. I didn’t anticipate this, as the mothers I observed before and after having my first child seemed to genuinely enjoy motherhood. They faced struggles, like every mother around the world, but unlike me, they didn’t have a part of their mind dedicated solely to their PhD. To be honest, I never fully embraced motherhood to its fullest.

By “fullest,” I mean that my mind was never completely present for myself and my children. I constantly questioned whether I was doing the right thing by resting next to my sleeping child or if I should be writing another research paper to progress my PhD. Since I had a deadline to submit my PhD, my fears weren’t irrational. I had to finish, or I would be exmatriculated from the university and forced to find a job while figuring out how to complete my doctorate.

This was exhausting, and I wonder if I was the only one. I’m sure all mothers, whether pursuing a PhD or not, have something that constantly occupies a part of their mind. There are many reasons for this, and for me, it was my PhD. Looking back, I don’t think I could have done things any better. I tried my hardest, writing papers and working on my dissertation even while sleeping when my children slept to ensure rest.

It was an honestly stressful yet rewarding experience. It shaped me into the person I am today: a strong woman, a dedicated mother, and a concerned wife. However, I’m not sure if the stress broke something in me that I may never recover. Only time will tell. This does highlight the fact that diamonds (not calling myself one) are formed under immense pressure, but they transform from their initial state in the process. Maybe the diamond is better, or maybe the initial state is—who knows?

At least, I know what I am capable of, SHINING BRIGHTHER than before.😎